I suck at diplomacy. I really do. I applied to attend The American University for a masters in International Service way back in 1994, and at the same time took the State Department's Foreign Service Exam. I was accepted to AU and failed the exam, so I called it a draw. A reasonable alternative to an esteemed diplomatic career seemed to be making soap commercials in Eastern Europe. So that's what I went with.
My *diplomacy* with my kids goes something like this: DO IT, or I will count to three and then something really bad will happen. Could you imagine how the Chinese or the Soviets would have reacted to that? My friend Susan even gave me a book about disciplining children called "1,2,3 Magic" and let me tell you, after I count 1,2,3 there's definitely some damn good Magic going on.
Our current diplomatic challenge is that we are raising two boys who want to kill each other. It's like nuclear weapons, or nucular, if you're a Republican (sorry, sorry... it's just so hard to resist).
While giving Ian a bath, I play my last card. Asking his advice.
"Ian, what do you think Papa and Mommy can do to help you and Julian stop fighting?"
Ian is squeezing black sludge out of a water toy I should have thrown out in 2006.
"Ian?"
"I don't know mom. Let me think about it."
I let him think about it for about a minute and then I can't keep my mouth shut any longer.
"Ian, why do you and Julian hit each other so much?"
"Because he hits me first. So I have to hit him back." Duh.
"Ian, do you know what an arms race is?" (I know. You're thinking where the hell is she going with this?)
"What is it?"
"What does it sound like?"
"I dunno." More squeezing and squishing.
"It's when two boys are hitting each other and they keep hitting and neither one of them stops until they just hit each other forever."
Ian is impressed by this. "That sounds bad."
"It is. So somebody has to be the one to stop hitting first, right? Or it will just go on forever, right?" (And Mommy and Papa will go out of their freaking minds, right?)
"So one of you needs to stop hitting first. Who do you think should stop hitting first?" (I SO impress myself with what an idiot I am, sometimes. I even have a master's degree.)
"Julian should."
Thank God for all of you that I'm not in the Foreign Service.
Actually, parenting skills and diplomacy skills are closely related. you might ought to give that Foreign Service exam another go. you'd probably score much higher now!
ReplyDeleteAnd, for what it's worth, I believe the origin of "nucular" is with a certain former Democratic President. I think he was a peanut farmer or something.
It's actually a southernism, unrelated to politics.
It's not a marathon for people doing handstands?
ReplyDeleteHow is it that a 3 year old and a 4 year old can make two adults with a combined IQ somewhere around 300 feel like blithering idiots? It's one of God's little jests. The scary thing for me is remembering that.....'like little children.....such is the kingdom of heaven.'
ReplyDeleteOK...so this is hilarious. Sorry that I do not have profound things to say on the arms race, diplomacy, raising kids...but will undoubtedly have to confront this in the near future.
ReplyDelete