Just Be Glad Your Name Isn't Rhododendron

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Ian told me this morning that he didn't like his name.

"Why?" I ask, wondering why I have to deal with self-actualization angst from someone who can't pee at night unassisted.

"Because it doesn't have enough letters. Only three. That's not enough letters," he says.

I do a quick mental rundown of his classmates's names: Bob, Leo, Sam, Tim, Pat, Kim and Ken. I don't remember the others. See that? Their names are too long. I decide to lob a bunch of cliches at him.

"Ian, you know, short and sweet? Less is more? Easy as pie?"

He glowers over his plate and stabs a sticky waffle. "I don't like it."

For a moment, I feel like my husband and I have failed on the most elemental level. His name is his identity. Maybe we've put a round peg in a square hole.

"OK, Ian, let's find you a new name!" I say, playing along. Of course, I pull out my iPhone (that's another post).

So where does a mother go for a new name? I'll give you a small hint. It starts with "G," rhymes with flugle, and was a stock I wish I had bought a long time ago.

So here's what you get when you flugle "world's longest name": Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.

True story. A 19-yr-old kid in the UK named George Garratt (yes, the kid in the picture) actually legally changed his name to this in 2008. But there is no way I'm going to suggest that to Ian because a) it already legally belongs to another self-actualizationally challenged person and b) Ian would think it was way too awesome.

So I flugle "guinness book of world records longest name." Why not go straight to the source?

Here's why: The Guinness Book of Records website functions like it was designed by high-schoolers. No, I take that back. High schoolers these days would actually know how to design a website. It looks like it was designed by a task force of 45-year-old dentists. So my search for "world's longest name" (in several variations) eventually yielded nothing relevant. Except I did find out that the longest jump by a guinea pig was 8.07 inches, on July 27, 2009. Also in the UK. What is it about the UK?

I'm ready to give Ian over to Captain Fantastic until I find a quote from a Guinness "spokesman," a fancy UK term meaning "45-year-old dentist," who confirmed that the longest recorded name (in their book, clearly not their website) was: Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth Williams. Of course with a name like Williams, I can see why this person went for the longer names up front. I'm tempted to call him Rhododendron Williams for short.

"SO?" Ian says, waiting for the results of my search.

As I open my mouth to say something stupid, like offering a real name suggestion, I realize I have just discovered the most wondrous thing a parent can unearth: bribery leverage.

"Hmm," I say, studying the face of my smart phone. "It says nobody is allowed to change their name until they can keep their bed dry."

Ian throws down his fork and sprints from the room, thumb already in his mouth.

Ian he will be. For a very long time.




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