General Hospital

Woman walks into the ER with two dying men. They are greeted by a doctor who looks like Jon Hamm. (Hey, this is my fantasy, isn't it?)

Dying Man #1 (gasping): She made me eat cereal. And it had milk on it. I think I'm going to die.

Dying Man #2 (also gasping): I can't even eat. My foot hurts so much that I can't lift my arm. I just can't do it. I need somebody to help me.

Jon: I see. When did these symptoms start?

Dying Man #2: Symptoms? Noooooo. Aren't you listening to me?! Every morning. I can't eat. It's my foot and my leg and I'm too tired. And she makes me sit there. Waaaaaaah!! My misery has no end! It has no beginning!

Jon: Ma'am, is it true what he's saying? Do you make him sit and eat even though his foot hurts and his leg hurts and he's too tired?

Woman: Depends. Do you have a tongue depressor on you?

Dying Man #1: Stoppp! All of you! What about my shirt? What about this shirt she made me wear? [Dying Man #1 covers eyes] This can't be happening to me! This shirt has... it has... it has... BUTTONS!!

Dying Man #2: Owwww! Stop leaning on my leg, Jon! I can't take it.

Jon: Ma'am. May I ask what you need to do with a tongue depressor?

Woman: It's not obvious?

Dying Man #2: Please, Jon, please. Please pick me uuuuuppppp!!! I can't walk any more. I just can't! I'm tooooo tireeeddd!

Dying Man #1: Don't make me wear this shirt! Whyyyy mee?!! Jon, do you have any band-aids, the kind with Lightning McQueen or Mater on them?

Jon: I'm afraid not. But if your shirt's the problem, I don't think you need any band --

Dying Man #1: What!?!? Yesss! I need a band-aid! I'll feel better if I have a BAND-AID!!

Dying Man #2: Can I have some of that pink stuff, Jon, in the little plastic cup? I can do it myself. I'll feel better if you give me that pink stuff. I think my stomach hurts now.

Jon: I thought your leg hurts so you can't lift your arm and you're tired?

Dying Man #2: Oh, yes, owwwww! My leg. I need you to pick me up, Jon! Now!

Jon: Ma'am, I have some paperwork I need you to fill out. Can you come with me?

Woman: Certainly.

Jon leads the woman into a soundproof office away from the two dying men and asks her to write down her phone number and email and times she is available for dinner. Then, as they say goodbye, Jon leans his face close to her cheek and whispers into her ear, words sweeter than any she has ever heard: "Why don't you let me keep them here overnight for observation?"