Peanuts

Ian has an infected penis, and this morning I found myself in the cramped bathroom of the "minute clinic" (inspires confidence, doesn't it?) trying to get him to pee into a plastic cup. As of this morning, peeing really really hurts. So now, it's no freaking dice, Mom. He says he won't pee for the rest of his life. Still, I try, but the scene isn't a good one. Tears from him. Cajoling from me. Sobs. More cajoling. Backing into the corner, tears spurting. Promises of new DVDs and ice cream. More tears. Meanwhile, Julian was observing the tense exchange with rapt attention.

"Mom? Mom? Mom?"

"Yes, Julian."

"What's wrong with Ian?"

"His penis hurts him."

"His peanuts? Ian, do your peanuts hurt you?"

Ian is too busy crying to respond.

"Mom? What happened to Ian's peanuts?"

"I don't know, Julian."

"Mom? What are peanuts?"

"Penis, Juli. Penis."

"Peanuts?"

I'm back to cajoling Ian and turn away from Julian. This always annoys him.

"Mommmmm?! Mooommm! I'm talking to you. Mom?!"

"Yes, Julian."

"Mom? Do you have peanuts?"

"No, mommies don't have peanuts."

Julian is turning in circles near the side of the toilet thinking about this.

"Ian? Mommies don't have peanuts. Only boys have peanuts. Only boys and papas have peanuts," he reports. He comes face to face with Ian and strokes his arm to try and calm him down. My sons tend to show enormous compassion for one another. It usually lasts a total of 1.5 seconds before the upset one of them kicks the other away.

"Ian? Do your peanuts hurt you? Ian, don't worry. Your peanuts won't hurt much longer. It's OK."

I'm just watching them, thinking about the various ways of extracting urine from my son. I envision myself tickling him until he pees and then catching the urine as it trickles down his leg. I guess that wouldn't be what you'd call a 'clean catch.' Julian taps me on the cheek and I come out of my daze.

"Mom? Mom? It's OK. I told Ian his peanuts won't hurt much longer."

"OK, thanks Julian. Is he going to pee in the cup?"

Julian purses his lips. He is all business. "No, Mom. No. I really don't think so."